Feature Client Journal - Crystal Deitch Week 5

The Get Your Glow Challenge has overall been an enlightening experience for me so far. I haven’t been fully dedicated to my exercise and am still getting the hang of meal planning and prepping for the week ahead. And I am still working on the spiritual side of things, trying to get more grounded and figure out what I want out of life while also trying to get that creative, free and fun girl inside of me to come out. While doing all of this I have also been reflecting on a lot of areas of my life that if changed, will make a huge impact on my life following the challenge. In this moment I am mainly speaking about my dietary consumption and the absence of dairy, sugar, gluten and alcohol during this health program.

I know I’ve been pretty candid in my posts so far. Pretty open about myself and not really caring what people think. It’s quite cathartic on my end of things so I have decided to get real about something and put it out into the world as I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately and it’s probably something many out there struggle with on varying levels.

I feel like I am addicted to alcohol. I’m not really saying I’m an alcoholic but a lot of the time when I’m drinking I feel and notice an addiction. All this is in hindsight of course. I don’t want anyone to get upset or take offense by me stating this. I know alcoholism is a very serious problem and so many people suffer and struggle with it in very serious ways, however, I personally believe there are various degrees to an addiction. And if I’m wrong, and what I say goes against any science, statistics or research out there then I apologize. I am strictly basing this off personal feelings and happenings in my life.

In the approximate 11 years that I’ve been drinking there are two common things that happen far too often. 1) I don’t know how to stop drinking and 2) I black out. Everyone says when you first start drinking that you have to find your limit, that magic number of drinks where you can say “ok I’ve had enough, I’m done for the night”. Well, I’m almost 29 and I still haven’t found that number. My past, which includes moments in the last year, have been filled with tons of regret, shame, sadness and that terrifying question the next morning: “what happened last night?”

More often than not people have had to take care of me in one way or another when I have been drinking. They clean up after me, help me go to the bathroom, try to get water in me, food in me, help me walk, make sure I don’t have any more to drink (years ago when at the bar I would sometimes sneakily take a shot without any of my friends knowing when my sole mission was to get a glass of water. I would come back with a water and no one would know any different). They’ve put me in cabs, driven me home, put me to bed or would make sure I didn’t go home with someone (which sometimes happened despite peoples efforts). Once my parents and I thought I was rufi’d I was that bad but after a few more episodes I realized it was my drinking habits. As recent as last July I did something to my best friend of 15 years that is still hard for me to think about. On the night of her stagette party we had a limo pick us all up and drive us to dinner. On the way, some friends and I were in the back passing a mickey around. I was completely into it (despite my many earlier attempts at saying no back at the apartment) and I think I ended up having more swigs than the rest. In summary, I remember walking to the restaurant, looking at the menu and ordering a drink but I have no idea what I ate. I remember dancing a bit and waiting outside for a ride. Nothing in between and nothing after. I found out the next morning my husband picked me up at the bar at 10pm and I was completely out of it when he got there. I was so devastated that I missed such a monumental day of someone that is so important in my life she’s like a sister to me. It was a time when I was supposed to be there for her in every way possible. And I just couldn’t keep my shit together. Do you know how heart wrenchingly bad it feels to be that friend, that daughter, that sister, that girlfriend and that wife that others are probably hesitant to go out with or be around because there’s a chance that they’ll have to babysit me. Or just plain don’t want me to drink in fear of what could happen. Over the years I’ve had THE talk with my best friends, my parents, and my husband about my drinking. Actually, I’ve had several talks with my husband. My actions have made him fear upcoming events and he is often nervous to me about what I think and how many drinks I should have or if I should drink at all. I honestly think the option of just not going has come up as well to avoid any possible mishaps all together. More recently I’ve gotten better at drinking socially in small groups of people but sometimes it just doesn’t matter the number of people I’m around. All it takes is being in new or exciting atmosphere or around a lot of people, or someone that I haven’t seen in a long time that I seem to just want to get my party on. In these moments I have no consciousness of what I’m doing or how much I’m drinking. All I know is that I’m having fun and I want more. More fun and more drinks. I often believe more drinks = more fun. I’m rarely aware of my state and mindfulness is non-existent. There are times when for a second I might take note of my level of intoxication but even then, there is no voice saying stop; just the action of drinking more until I black out and then there is no hope. When this happens I’ve been told that I have a look in my eyes where they’ve become glazed over and have a blankness to them as if there is nothing behind them. A true indication that I’ve gone over the line (way over).  

Over time my progression with alcohol preference has gone from having hard liquor and mixes to beer and then to wine. Before the challenge I mostly drank wine, occasionally beer and very rarely rum as I don’t like to consume pop or sugar latent juices (and yes, I know wine has a ton of sugar in it as well). I was probably drinking wine/beer a couple nights a week and a couple drinks each of those nights. It was a release from work and the stresses of life. A way to unwind. The thing is, even with a couple drinks, I wasn’t really liking how it made me feel physically, that night or the next morning. And if I’m at home, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and watching a movie the wine will actually put me to sleep. I still have this feeling that I want to drink occasionally after my challenge is over, however, I also have to decide if it’s worth feeling physically off. I’m also hesitant as I am honestly still worried there will be times where I won’t be able to just have a couple. There is no level of apologetic pleads I can give my friends and family that will make up for what I’ve put them through over the past 11 years, there is only action. I’ve been striving to be the healthiest and happiest person I can be and the absence of alcohol during my Get Your Glow Challenge so far has really made me contemplate if I want alcohol in my life. I’m really not sure what I’m going to do but I am so grateful for the time this program has given me for some much needed reflection. It is the perfect time to start making changes as anything I had that was holding me back is now minimized. Whether I am following and completing everything in the program yet or not I am exactly where I need to be.

With love and so much hope for strong hearts and souls to anyone trying to conquer a battle. May we always strive to better ourselves!

Crystal Deitch 

About Me

Kristin Fraser is a speaker and consultant on natural health, including food preparation workshops and nutritional seminars. Offering you insightful information on leading a healthier, happier life.

 

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